Wanting to be thin...

I have always struggled with my weight or with what I thought I should look like...looking back I was never a heavy girl but in my eye I was always big.

I can remember playing volleyball and my Mom having to take me to the sporting good store to buy a pair of black short and making them put stripes down the side so they looked like the shorts the other girls had because I could not fit into any of the shorts they provided for us.

I'm sure we all have stories that stay with us over the years. I always talk about what I'm going to do to change. I write out goals over and over again, get online and find that magic pill that will give me the jump start I need. I say to myself I know a pill won't help me keep the weight off but I just need a jump start to get started then I will workout and keep the weight off. I have used every excuse in the book...I'm to tired, work to much I have to eat out cause I'm on the go so much don't have time to cook, I will start on Monday, I feel uncomfortable working out at the gym because everyone has great bodies and I feel stupid, I'm not a morning person, and the list goes on and on.

Well I'm starting this blog even though I'm terrible at writing and really don't know what I'm doing but I just turned 37 and all my excuses are over!! Over all my years of struggling with my weight this is what I have learned...I have wasted a lot of years not doing things that I wanted to do because of my weight. Going to the pool with my Nieces and Nephew, not wanting to go out with my boyfriend because none of my clothes fit and I didn't want to go and get a bigger size, and so much more that I know I didn't do because I was overweight and my self esteem is gone. I know that in order to lose weight it is going to take time and a lot of hard work on my part!!

I work part time at Prairie Life Fitness so I work everyday with dedicated people who thrive on keeping in shape and they take the time everyday to make it to the gym and put in 30 to an hour to taking care of themselves. They make it look effortless and I struggle...I thought working at the club would motivate me to lose weight. Instead I leave the second I get off work go home telling myself I will get up in the morning and start fresh...I'm just so tired I need to go home relax so I go grab something to eat and rent a movie and stay up way to late to even think about getting up early to workout...I will just start the next day.

Well not only turning 37 and looking toward 40 and being single with no kids, today my boyfriend and I where talking and in our conversation he said "why don't you try finishing something you started." He didn't say this in a mean way just curious and it made me stop and think...I have told so many people my plans of what I want to do and have written so many goals and my to do list but have never followed though on one single thing...until now.

The other day at work at PLF I was talking to one of our trainers RJ and I was telling him how hard I struggle and He just looked at me and said that he struggles too. Wow here I thought it was so easy for him. I thought about what He said and thought he is no different from me when it comes to not wanting to workout but he makes the choice to just DO IT! There that is the difference...I make the choice to be unhappy and thick no one else I choose to not want to workout and go home and stop at McDonald's and Runza on my way home to watch a movie. And while I'm watching that movie I'm thinking I wish I looked like her. I hate my life why can't I just be thin. Well there is the answer because I'm choosing not to be for what ever reason I'm choosing to close myself off from life and not live it. For some people they might have a condition that makes them heavy but for me it is a choice. And I'm choosing to change that not starting Monday but starting today!

This is why I'm going to blog because I know that I'm not the only one who struggles with working out and eating well and I need all the help I can get to be accountable to others and help others make good choices too. I don't know what all to do but I will learn. I have done it all from weight watchers to reading all the books and trying all the diets especially the ones that promise to lose 10lbs in a week and all you drink is this gross drink that is supposed to clean you out...Not anymore I'm going to do it the way I know it works and that is working out, walking and eating well and giving it time to work not focusing on the scale but on how I feel and journaling and that is what I will do here.